Gerfunk

The Gerfunk series is a highly acclaimed series of word documents released on the largely popular platform of the MSpain discord server. Since this site does not support file hosting, transcripts will be provided below. The original Gerfunk of the malicious gods has already predicted multiple events and is to be considered sacred. While multiple weren't planned, just like the holy original, each Gerfunk strives to fill the gaps in different areas of humanity's conciousness.

Look I wrote these when I was bored aight? Perhaps Magicite will get a sequel someday. Also note that I copied them exactly as they were written. Obviously swearing isn't a horrid act, but Gerfunk Pain features some and I dislike it. However for the sake of preserving it, it's staying.



Gerfunk of the malicious gods

24.10.2019

As the heresay was readying in the time of the washing. A thunder pinched the house, and it was all clear. No new pebble is of killing. The killing hiding in the woods. Breaking is troubling milk. More than 18. Scubadiving just is the glue in the sink, in all public advertisments, in the room. Yoink said the crayon, drip. Calounder of dog in bed, peace of board. Quality assurance hikers are bonking the worst salamanders. In no time we will hook the goop. Jumping from totem to continent makes flies gorgeous. Hungary breaded Mr. Genosis. Nickname the guilt. No more zooming. We are paint. You are number. I am eccentric. Carlisians rose to update Bridges. Soon dry rubber will corrode. Left with figs, only world.

God bless The Pacific Ocean.



Gerfunk - Magicite

30.12.2019

There is no time for these spurious crows. We have to reach the town! But you might say „Blemkins, you have no boots”, to which statement I say „No u!” as I take your boots and throw them in the canal throw them in the canal right in there right in the canal with the rats the rats with the rats the smelly rats with the rats rats rats

I walked to the town with the water.

- „Hello, is this fire Island?”

– „No, what time is it?” - someone replies

- „I am hungry”

- „Oh, we have some water”

- „Excellent! Five waters please!”

Upon succesfully completing the card set I am awarded with 18 pints of slime.

- „Thank you!” – they yell as I escape on my bombastic Schlabber beetle

I told Schlabber to go to Harris Volcano. I heard they are having the year’s biggest fashion show. Even Zeus is coming as the prime minister of Peru!

However there I stood, with my socks on and bare feet. Harris in all it’s glory, the beatiful oasis of all walks of life. Before I went to the fashion show on Schlabber, I decided to take a pack of gums. I sliced a couple ninjas and took their robes. I was ready. There was a big metallic entrance guarded by two flash drives. I didn’t know what to do until I realized – I own a garden!

I went into Harris. I could see crowds of crows gathering around the stage. I did step on a few crows while walking, but hey, they are quite small and tiny and small and baby. Everything was funky. Funky lights, funky crow robes, funky street signs. It was all there. Then, there was smoke. And out of that smoke they started to shoot at the crows. A lot of them died. The blood was horrid. The stench was terrible. But then, oh boy, then Zeus himself came on stage. He was dressed up in a shirt made of butter and trousers made of cheese. I was scared for my own and his life. Nobody wears trousers of cheese. It’s not just a rule of fashion, it’s a rule of life itself. I heard a rumble. Part of the Volcano collapsed, and there he stood. Sailor Roupert, my arch friend. I could not see him now, I planned to meet him in just 5 minutes! I knew he came for the cheese. He was going to kill me and Zeus. I could not let this happen. I grabbed onto Zeus, and jumped out of the Volcano. I had to leave Schlabber, but I knew I was going to come back for him. I took off, not looking back as Roupert started spnning the crows around. There was no time. I had to go. I had to escape. And so I jumped into a pool of bees. The bees took me to my home, the city of hubris. I couldn’t stay here long, as Roupert could come here soon. But for now, I went to the Dog Bar with Zeus for a nice meal.



Gerfunk - Pain (Director's cut)

29.03.2020-20.04.2020

Welcome! Welcome! Welcome! Gather around, gather round and square. For this is the tale of the amazing MSpainers, and their quest to slay the [SPOILER]. No matter now, it’s time to start the show.

Gerry, Snail and Snow were walking down the roads of Signtown. It looked completely deserted, but the streets were filled with signs and lampposts. They looked almost motionless, although they were moving extremely slowly. How unnerving.

-„Hello, is this Signcity?” – Gerry asked a nearby must-go-straight sign, as they’re looking for Evil Dave, who supposedly has established a now not so secret base.

-„No, this is Sign.” – the sign replied

-„Oh. Well have you seen any suspicious pies around?”

-„I heard about one somewhere in the alleys.”

-„Uh oh. Thanks.”

While Gerry was interrogating the sign, Snow and Snail decided to go into the town. „oh no” said Snail, as he saw a large group of signs at town square. He decided it would be best to sneak around them, as procing the fight would inevitably result in chaos. Thus, Snail hid inside a box and proceeded to move to the right of the canvas, as that is the only obvious way to progres in a basic story adventure. Snow on the other hand thought that the no-tresspasing sign would look great on him, and ripped their face off. Somehow only 2 signs took notice of it, the toilet sign and the no-exit sign. They both stole Snow’s limbs in return. Snow was just a lump now.

It was a single turn, and yet, everything was already going downhill. Gerry decided to help Snow and beat up the no-exit sign. Snow stole someone’s buff arms and was ready to kick their butts. Snail continued on going past everyone. The no-exit sign now unconcious, it was much less of a threat. However out of the restroom sign leaped 2 figures! One of them wielded the division line as well.

-„hey lookout, that sign is about to get you” – Snow said to the stickpeople, however they did not listen. Gerry slashed one of the figures, but it was still standing. Snail reached a canal with an open wooden drawbridge. An incoming ship could be seen in the distance. The figures and the sign tried beating up Snow into nothingness, but they only managed to damage him a bit.

As another turn passed, Gerry decided to hype up. Snow stole the dividing line and killed the stick holding it before with it. Snail meanwhile closed the drawbridge using a convienient wheel handle.

-„Hey, what do you think you’re doing eh? Touching me without consent?” – said the handle, indignant

-„Oh sorry wheel, I thought you were just to operate the bridge” – replied Snail

-„Oh that’s what they all say! „I didn’t know you were alive!”. Yeah? That’s probably what’cha thinking right now. Well I let ya know I graduated the top of my classes at boating school, and I know exactly how to kill a snail. You are no ma-„

-„Okay sorry, how about I upgrade you for that?” – said Snail readying his tools

Meanwhile, the still standing figure and bathroom sign punched Gerry right in his face. Gerry’s glasses were now more integrated into his bodily structure. The silhoutte of the ship was starting to get bigger.

Another turn, another sans… no wait, not yet! Anyway, Snow and Gerry nuked their enemies using the power of damage numbers. Snail’s upgrade ended up making the handle’s contrast level higher.

-„I guess that’ll suffice. Now get out of my sight!” – said the wheel handle. A wild Bendzsi has also entered the area.

With the signs dead Gerry catched up to Snail, and Snow entered a fashion store. As Snail was about to cross the bridge, he said „What a stupid fucking ni the ship in the background smashed through the bridge, which was now lodged into it’s hull. A moth with a pirate hat, eyepatch and a butterfly on it’s shoulder proclaimed:

-„Avast ye! Not the antivirus, that is. I’m here with ma’ crew here and we’re takin’ over this town! Prepare the cannons!”

-„Hey, I’ve heard of this cool treasure Island, you should go there instead.” – Snail responded

-„Ah, but’ya see, we’re already here, so we’re gonna take all we can!” – The moth captain said

-„But there’s so much more gold over there!”

-„No.”

-„How are you going to destroy the town if you’re just in your boat?” – Gerry asks confused

-„Well you see landrats, I am not here to conquer, but to pillage! I want all the goodies for myne crew!” – The moth answered

An ethereal voice, saying „Rats, rats, we’re the land rats” could be heard.

-„Your crew?” – Gerry asked again

-„Yes my crew! Go get ‘em my mates!”

Out of the ship deck flied out a group of 5 angry moths in ragged clothing, wielding swords and flintlocks. Truly, the most menacing encounter.

-„Oh boy” – said Gerry

Bendzsi was there too.

Meanwhile, Snow enters a really fancy shop. A lot of suits, dresses and hats were on display. It was completely empty of people though aside from a man in a golden helm and a suit.

-„hello there” – Snow said as he entered the store

-„Ah, a customer! I see you’re already in a very pristine hat!” – The helmed man said excitingly

-„thanks”

-„Say, would you kindly sell your hat?”

-„no but i want to buy a hat”

-„Oh well that just won’t do!” – The shop doors slammed shut, and a boss’s health bar appeared

-„uh oh”

The man put on a feathered tophat and started pogo’ing on his cane, damaging snow.

And as the turn ticked over, Snow immediatly steals the man’s hat, forcing him to take out his second one while throwing teacups. As for the others, Bendzsi fell into the water canal and started drowning. Snail started shooting the boat with an artillery piece while Gerry hyped up the team. The moths ganged up on both of them, dealing some severe damage.

Snow steals his hat again, and the helmed man struggles to find another hat to wear. Snail called for backup and Gerry shot the pirates with a water gun, succesfuly killing one by means of extremely high velocity water stream. Water guns kill moths, clearly. Bendzsi ssssrogged the water to make it solid, and in turn turned it into a glitchy mess of ice. Atleast he wasn’t drowning no more.

At this point, Dave got sick of writing this stupid ass story and just fucking wants to goddamn finish it for god’s sake.

The helmed man jumped in the middle of the shop and took out THE EXCALIBUR. Not the one that one moth had and died with it. Cringe. Absoulte Baloney. Snow barely avoided his swings. Gerry and Snail took out the other moth pirates. The captain remained. Bendzsi got out on the other side of the canal and ran for it. The effects of the ssssrog started manifesting on the ship.

-„What is happening to my ship!?” – said the moth

-„haha ship go zzzgzgxgt” – said Gerry

The moth captain slit Gerry’s throat and threw his body in the canal. Gerry wished for the moth to get it’s wings wet and fall down into the canal and die. But the gods did not hear his prayer.

This is the part where the helmed man kills Snow.1

-„This is the part where I kill you” – said the man in the part where he kills Snow

-„oh no, this is the part where he kills me” – said Snow in the part where he is killed by the helmed man

Then, the helmed man killed Snow. Using the amazing horse and sword he got from the power of the crown which was not mentioned earlier but he did put it on trust me. Snow wished to get the helmed man’s hats, and so it happened.

-„Where is my crown to clobber dat there Snow!?”- exclaimed the helmless man

There was this dimind guy but he bashed his skull against the ice in order to leave the air and drown himself in the water inside the canal. Truly dedicated. But also dead. Snow slapped the moth captain into orbit who then flew into the Sun and died. Bendzsi kept running and ran into an alley. But there he saw… Evil Dave! Being all evil, and stuff.

-„Who’s there?” – asked Dave

-„It’s me, Evil Dave!” – Evil Dave answered

-„Wait I’m not supposed to be here!” – Dave said, promptly leaving the scene

-„Wait, who’s there?” – Evil Dave asked

-„me” – bendzsi responded

-„Can you leave? I am trying to set a trap to kill you.”

-„no”

-„Very well.”

Evil Dave took out his pocket death laser and shot it at bendzsi. He missed and shot Snail instead who died.

-„That’s pretty unfair” – said Snail as his dying words, and wished for Evil Dave to promptly die as well. But it refused.

Bendis man took out his… what’s this? A bird? A plane? No, it’s Omega, and he slams down and market gardens Bendzsi epically.

-„lovely” – Bendzsi said, dead

Bendzsi wished for one of the alley trashcans to become a memelord. But sadly that didn’t happen.

-„And who are you now!?” – Evil Dave asked confused

-„Your doom!” – Omega answered

-„Hahaha, well, I’m afraid I am the doom here! Not Doomguy, different guy. Well, I’m not really a guy either, I’m a pie, but I did sa-

-„Get on with it!”

-„Yes, GET ON WITH IT!” – everyone yelled

-„Ok, ok. Die.”

Evil Dave shot Omega. But he missed! Again. This time hitting a poor sign child. Well, it was a sign warning about children crossing the street. But now that sign is no more.

Omega rocket jumped towards Evil Dave but mistimed his shovel hit. Evil Dave immediatly shot his laser and missed. And by missed I mean the entire building behind Omega came to the ground. The signs starting running and screaming. Panic started.

-„Look what you’ve done! Give up now or else I will have to dig you your own grave!”

-„Never!”

Evil Dave shot his laser. The entire town is now gone, except Omega and him.

Fishy then nukes everyone.

The end.





-„Well that was a load of piss” – You say

-„Omega didn’t even get a wish!”

-„Now, now, no need to be angry. How about I just, turn back time?” - me

-„Oh so you’re invaluating a part of the story?”

-„Ok so I will RESTORE it”

The town is back. The building is still missing. The sign police is here. Omega and Evil Dave are at a standoff.

-„What just happened?”

-„idk, but I’m gonna shove this shovel up your ass!”

-„We’ll see about-

Omanyte walks in and psychic blasts Omega into dust.

-„See, I can be helpful!” – he2 said

-„I can help! I can… I can… please be my partner in crime!”

-„no”

-„Well fuck you then”

Because Omanyte used up his turn, Evil Dave doom lasers Omanyte and Omanyte is dead. Omanyte wishes for Evil Dave to become Good Dave. But as the wish comes to fruition the police arrests the now Good Dave. Rest in piss, everyone, Good Dave’s lifetime outside of prison and Omega’s wish who he still did not get.


End.

What did I tell you about scrolling down on my Wordpsace page? I’m gonna have to give you a article 8-#3 violation for that!

1The part where the helmed man kills Snow [Author note]

2She [Redactor note]



Gerfunk - sans.

In-file name "Gerfunk - "

20.04.2020

So there was this tree, I met yesterday,

Told the tree about sans, cool guy I would say.

But it stood there silent, looking really pale,

And all I wondered, how did my chat fail?


Sans was now pointless, the funny was done,

Nobody laughed, no matter the pun.

My own will to live, like reality,

Are shattered like glass, beyond travesty.


Sans.

Sans.

Sans.

Sans.